Counting the days

*sigh*

I don't know what it is, whether it's homesickness, heartsickness, sleep-deprivation, dehydration, or the altitude...but, I miss home. No, I'm not even sure it's home I miss. I think what I really miss is that part of my life that I called my own. Here in Denver I'm forced to live a certain way. Sure, I've made some great changes - like running every day, and eating healthy homemade meals more often; but, I miss the other "stuff." I miss you - the people at work, my roommate, my family, my long-time friends and colleagues. That's the stuff that really adds a certain quality to your life that you could not add on your own; and, I feel like that's been removed from my life, and that certain quality has gone with it.

The change has just made me think about my life in a completely different way. I dunno, I guess I always knew that it was the people in your life that make it special; which is why I have always tried to surround myself with special people. I've met a lot of these people, and have enjoyed their friendship, but there is only room for so many friends that you can truly say "they surround me in life." You have to choose who these people are, and this is the type of choice that is really important in life; because they're the ones who add that unquantifiable quality that can exponentially affect your life. I like to think I've made the best of those choices, for the most part without any regrets; but.... There's always a "but." More like: there's always a "butthead." I feel like one right now, that's for sure. I screwed up, and I do have regret about one particular choice. I pushed someone out of my life when I really didn't have to. All I can say about it is: "it felt like a good idea at the time." Truthfully, it felt like the only idea, or the necessary idea, or the idea that would still let me look myself in the mirror - right in my own eyes - and see integrity instead of disappointment.

Now, looking back with the benefit of hindsight, I was being true to myself (which is something everyone has to do); but, my judgment was very clouded. I wish I knew how to take a step back, slow down, and just be. I also wish I knew how to let go of the past. Have you ever relived certain moments in your life and asked yourself: "what could I have done differently?" I do that more than I probably should; and, I think it's because I don't know how to reconcile the poor choices I've made. For all intents and purposes, this person isn't really in my life anymore; and it's one of the hardest realities I have ever had to reconcile in life. I don't even have a clue as to why this is so difficult for me; and that's unsettling to me. I try not to think about it - like someone walking on a tight-rope; but every now and then I "look down" and reality sinks in once again. There's no hope that I can justify without fooling myself. It's like a bad dream that has no ending. I'm sure with time this will all fade away; but I can't be sure. It feels too much like one of those "lessons you'll never forget." The truth is that I want to forget it. Well, not the lesson itself, because that's supposed to make me a better person; but I want to forget the circumstances that preceded the lesson. I don't think that is possible in this case; I think the two go hand in hand. That sucks. How do you forget about someone you don't want to forget about? Or, a better way of putting it is: how do you forget about someone who is unforgettable? I guess for those that are susceptible, there is always hypnosis (lol). Self-medication is just a temporary measure, and it has it's place. For the long term, it seems that the only way to do that is to replace what you've lost with something else. Unfortunately, you can't really replace a person that you've lost - they're irreplaceable.
Sorry for focusing on one person so much friends; because the truth is I'm feeling this way about all of you to some degree. It's just that I've been wrestling with this particular situation, and had to get it off my chest. You can only mull things over for so long, going back and forth between contemplation and dismissal (trying to shrug it off), until you come to a point where you have to deal with it. I still don't know how to deal with it, but I do feel better right here, right now. I hope one day that feeling sticks.

For now, I'm just counting the days until I'm back home. Sunday, 2:18 pm, Edmonton International Airport. I hope to see a lot of you while I'm back, because I only have a week, and I'm going to make the most of it. You never really know what you've got till it's gone. I sure appreciate you all a lot more (and I already appreciated you a lot) now that I've been away for a month and am looking at 3 more months being removed from you all. I can't wait to get back!

Ciao for now friends, see you soon...

-Dizzy in Denver